TOPIC: My Journey Begins In Six Days - Here is My Story!

Having read through tens of the progress reports, I sense a strong kinship and recognize that my story doesn\'t differ from most people - the emotions, the distress and years of turmoil that tormented so many of you were largely and collectively one that I experienced over the years myself, but I digress.Let me start from the beginning. If you don\'t feel like reading through but would like to share some of your own wisdom in helping me answer some questions, please scroll to the end. Any help is welcomed. The first time anyone touched me was my teacher. This was probably around 7th or 8th grade. I had barely mastered masturbation, and really had no clue what the heck was going on. He would put my hand on his own penis, and make me stroke it. I knew it was weird, but was too embarrassed, shy, confused to do anything.

It quickly escalated to where he was pulling my pants down, and I just remember shriveling into a grape. His actions didn\'t make sense to me. They were confusing but he was a man of power, so to speak, someone who everyone looked up to.

I have never done anything about what he did, but without a doubt the scars started building then. He asked me why I was so small and why nothing was happening to it as he was touching me, and asked me to caress his as it grew. He told me to allow mine to grow like his, and I would just shrink even more. Unfortunately, being in a Catholic school, this occurrence was not the last time or person to do this. For some reason I still haven\'t completely come to understand, I never ventured to tell anyone. I was too embarrassed and too shy.However, it must be said that I was probably one of the top ten of athletes at the school. My insecurities were fostering and growing, but there was plenty of ego and cover up due to my athletic capabilities. Fast forward into high school and girls. Being one of the top athletes at school, it was difficult navigating away during locker room time, but I very quickly noticed the larger sizes around the room and always tried to skip the shower.Of course, over time, I came to realize a few tricks that would help me. I would run into the bathroom, vigorously rub away and try to come into the shower looking a little longer and not too crazy small. If too much shrinkage began to occur in the shower, I would inadvertently and slyly pull at it whilst pretending to be lathering up. I soon learned which shower head afforded the most privacy but would allow me to act like I was part of the gang. As soon as I would notice it starting to go down, I would quickly get out, and be on my way. In terms of girls, lets begin with my first girlfriend. She managed to blast whatever tiny semblance of self esteem I had left to smithereens. From day one, she told me that her ex was massive. Here began a quest that led me to reading every piece of garbage magazine advice on how to please woman in bed.

I thought to myself that if I can\'t satisfy one way, I will be the one that satisfies in every other imaginable way. She was a b...., and I should never started out with her in the first place, but that\'s another topic, another day. I never found that I had any trouble attracting girls, but my insecurities just allowed it to became a futile pursuit. After that first girlfriend I have never allowed a girl too close to my unit. My nervousness about what they will think is overpowering, and over the years I have learned that if a girl ever got near it, I would just suffer major shrinkage as the anxiety overtakes me. That means that I have never had a blow job. I won\'t allow any girl that intimately close to it. And the one or two girls that tried just got a magic show disappearing act as my unit just shrank into oblivion when they touched it. I know that some of you can relate to me when I say, we figure out over the years what to say and do that entitles us to have a sex life despite our major anxieties.

I became a champion with excuses, and had a repertoire of cliches that I would feed the ladies. Figure this, I am married (on the rocks) and have managed to keep my wife from ever giving me a blow job, and she has barely even touched it. Sex is always in the dark (as it creates more intimacy) I never get naked (because I am a classy guy who doesn\'t like to parade his junk around) and showering together I leave my top and bottom on (because I want you to be under the running water and I will get cold so I need clothes on) - Yes, I know these excuses sound absolutely ridiculous, and who would fall for them, but remember I have had years to perfect them and master the best lines to go with each situation. I have been looking at solutions for 12 years (since I was 22), but never saw something that didn\'t do enough to scare me off. Over time, I would just accept that this was it, and adapt with the various workarounds that I had come to establish. I had my solutions for the showers, in the gym, for the girls, and now for my wife, and this was it.

But the urge and the despair never really faded. Any little memory or event could trigger it. The last one was another girl I began to see. (my marriage is on the rocks and we are separated on and off) She clearly was into me, and we began to make out when suddenly a wave of panic just enveloped me as she began to slide her hand down. Instantly, the floods of excuses came crashing back, and I pulled one of my old tricks out to get her away from there. Again, I go home despondent and start searching for solutions, and furiously reading up on anything PMMA related. I read through all the cases and the feelings and anxieties that everyone felt, and said to myself - this is it! I cannot continue living my life in this awful state. Now I know that a lot of you talk about the psychological aspect of this, and to seek help. I am about to shock you right now, but I am a psychologist who is fairly well respected in my field dealing with social anxiety disorders, some OCD and related behaviors. I have dealt with patients who have similar problems to my own, and achieved a great level of breakthrough. However, I have never managed to conquer my very own demons in this matter despite having coached many clients in very related areas. My journey begins soon, and many of you here have been through this stage before me and are well equipped (pun intended) to answer my questions. Any help is help, and any answer will assist my journey. My starting stats are:
EL - 5
EG - 4.25
FL - 2.5-3
FG - 3.5

I have begun to take Vitamin C, and Collagen 1 and 3.

1. Since I am a major shrinker, should I buy a sleeve to ensure a more Erect state the first 48 hours. Where would I buy something like this on such short notice?

2. Should I bring some Cialis or Viagra with me, and where can I get those on short notice?

3. I will stay in SD. I don\'t see the point of staying in Tijuana, or is there a point? After all, even with traffic, I should be back in hotel within a few hours.4. Are there any other supplements or ointments or creams that I can take and where do I obtain them? Of course, I think I should go for maximum cc and % because of my really small stats. Based on the pictures, would you advise otherwise i.e. do you see something that indicates you to suggest a different dosage etc?

Good luck Grower!!You can use arnica cream to help the swelling.Not sure about the sleeve at short notice but you can wrap it and try and stay awake/ hard as long as you can in them 48hrs.....take plenty of porn.If you can get hold of a Cialis or 2 will be good though you should get one from boys down there.Don t stress about it all its not too bAd of an experience at all

Hi Grower
You can pick up some viagra/Cialis at the pharmacy on the ground floor of the building Dr. C is in.

And on a side note, I was very touched by your story. My truly goes out to you as I have been, more or less, where you are now.
For what it\'s worth, my penile enlargement (dermal grafts back in 1996) completely changed my life. I went from being a complete dud in bed to being a rock star. A lot of it was just psychology, but whatever it was, it has made me a happier person.
Since then, I have had PMMA to make me even more larger...I have also managed to elongate my penis an inch through stretching and weights.

No longer do I obsess about the size of my penis...I have conquered that issue and am to more important matters...

I am sure you can do the same. I look forward to your progress!
Messageman


One last thing...You already have a very decent sized penis.

Sad to read your story, but I hope that with courage and determination you manage to overcome your problems. I have no time for organised religion, yet I do believe there is more to this life than we are aware of. I am interested to know, are people like the teacher who abused you born this way or do you think religion plays a big part. I think when priests take a vow of celibacy its going against nature and that ultimately they become perverted.

I am very new to this site and still wading thru the vast body of material presented by the senior members. Sometimes after reading so much I feel like I am right back at the start again!

ilovetofu wrote: I think when priests take a vow of celibacy its going against nature and that ultimately they become perverted.

For me, that comment is very true.

Although I have to say that there are many wonderful and excellent Priests who stick to there celibacy and help their people a lot...

@Grower:

I know it is not easy, but since you came to this board and mentioned your case, and you are a psychiatry field, I advise you to call on to the teacher who molested you and sue him. People like him need to be punished to the max.

You have a healthy looking unit. I advise that you look into temporary fillers as well as PMMA. You are young and you have time. Temp fillers will give you time to see if PMMA is right for you...Good luck man.

Thanks everyone for all the kind words and encouragement. I knew just by reading all the stories that this forum was one where everyone just completely understood where we come from. It felt great to finally vent all those thoughts on paper (or print).

My own opinion regarding the celibacy vow is probably skewered just because of my experiences, but taking the most powerful force in nature and shunning it is bound to set you up for these sort of catastrophes. I personally think they should abolish it. I can\'t imagine how many people have been effected by this pathetic pursuit in the name of religion.

Suing this many years later is pointless. Statue of limitations has probably run out in terms of criminal, and even suing doesn\'t interest me. My life right now doesn\'t need to relive that.

I asked Wade about the temp filler, and it was more expensive. Also, there was no one that I found on this forum that used it. There are threads dedicated to discussing who does it, but no one has shared their experience about actually doing it.

I am doing this to change my life around. I want a new lease on the insecurities and terrible anxieties I suffer. I want to stop thinking about what she is thinking every time I meet a new girl. On another note, the girl I am seeing now has been kept away from my unit. Its completely ridiculous, but its the story of my life. I won\'t let her touch it or get near it. Its years of perfecting this warped road of the sexual hunt. I can hold out on sex for at least 2 months before it starts becoming suspicious.

I won\'t have sex with her until after the PMMA. I may be seeing her another 2 times until I leave to SD, but I already know that ill probably get her off through oral and foreplay, and without her even getting close to it. As soon as she gets hot, and starts to try to touch me, I will shift the focus to getting her to orgasm, and will make sure she is done before she gets a chance to tell me to stick it in. Its the story of my life. I don\'t even fret too much about this part as I know I will do it with flying colors. Yes, its fucked up but its true -my fear and insecurity is greater than the desire to have sex.

Thanks for sharing your story. Your life is about to change, get ready! My advice to you is as follows:

1. Be very vigilant during aftercare. I literally slept at 1.5 hour intervals for the first two days, waking up to massage constantly. Don\'t allow yourself to orgasm despite all the porn neccessary to stay hard all that time (good luck on that), or it\'ll be tough to keep massaging. I used the smoothing technique wade will show you in addition to a rolling technique, sort of like rolling playdough in between your hands to make a snake. I consider round 1 to be an exercise in sculpture. You form your results through massage.

2. Don\'t let it turtle, period. I literally held the glans and pulled it out anytime I wasn\'t hard except for short intervals of sleep. I think this is a big reason I went from more of a Grower to a shower. I think this two fold actually. Having 30%, which leads to a stiffer implant, while making sure it \"dries\" into your elongated state by constantly keeping it stretched out, in my case led to it staying mostly elongated all the time now. That said, other growers haven\'t had the best experience with 30%, and you should read the ninja turtle thread by Hunkchunk.

3. You should look into a prescription for Cialis long term. You can buy it from India (make sure it is made by cipla) which will deter the cost considerably - it takes it down to about 4 bucks a pill. It has a two pronged effect. It allows you to get hard any time, despite insecurities (my experience as a smaller guy led me to ED all too often as I just couldn\'t stop worrying enough to just have sex and enjoy it). It also allows you to hang bigger, and this effect is pretty considerable, at least in my experience.

Just some food for thought. I want you to succeed in this endeavor, you deserve for your life to change and I think you are about to experience something amazing. Good luck!

after reading your thread I feel like you really need something to change in your life. whenever I feel like I\'m stagnating, unhappy or imbalanced in some way, I try to address it by either doing \"something\" or doing \"nothing\".10yrs back was such a time for me and I packed by bags and flew to India to meet up with an ex-girlfriend. I\'d not been to India before - some exposure to meditation and yoga (western style) and I knew the basics of the country\'s history, but that\'s it. I\'ve since been back to India 3 times and while I was there on my first trip I met some truly wonderful and inspiring people. my 1st day in Trivandrum (Kerala state) coincided with the tsunami and I witnessed people pulling bodies out of the water. one day this dark-skinned beggar came waddling up to me on the beach. this man with no legs and stumps for arms had one of the biggest genuine smiles I\'ve seen on a person. he was selling fruit. I gave this man some pictures of Ghandi (rupees) and got to know him over the days. my mind flashed back to the big shitty I live in and a day when I remembered seeing this arrogant, aggressive, frustrated businessman who was getting all hot and bothered because the glass doors to the building weren\'t opening quick enough for him to enter.while in India I learned a lot more about the people, their religions (more from a historical point of view), and I also practiced meditation and yoga. on my most recent trip I travelled to Rishikesh which is way up north near Nepal at the base of the Himalayas and again met more people, ate excellent healthy food, practiced yoga and had some wonderful experiences.I think there is a lot to meditation and I only really know the tip of the iceberg, but I think you should try it. I know people who have used it successfully to overcome specific phobias. meditation can be doing the \"nothing\" but it can also be active where you are using your power of imagination to change something. if I were you I would see myself in the same situation but with a different response. girls hand slides down and...about a year ago I was a bit bored with gym and basic yoga so I started doing Bikram yoga. I thought I knew something about fitness until that first class. It's an environment where there are lots of girls and the 90 minute regime at 40 degrees is breathtaking, literally. I strode into that first class feeling a touch arrogant and by the 45 minute mark I was down on my hands and knees begging for mercy. But I stuck with it and within just 2 weeks I could do the whole 90 minutes without having to stop or recover. In one class I ended up in a position behind, and slightly to the side, of this way hot Japanese girl. In Bikram you don't wear much in the way of clothes and as you can imagine both sexes like to show off. Every time this girl pushed her legs back, etc her skimpy cotton pants pulled to the side and I would get an eyeful of the Promised Land. Needless to say I nearly fell over.

Anyway, my point is that sometimes doing something that takes us out of our comfort zone and/or into a different environment can really help to change our lives. Try something different, do something you've never done before, like getting an experienced dr to make your noodle bigger.

Hi Grower,

I\'m going in for round 2 in 6 hours!

My starting size was similar to yourself. I\'ve found the whole experience life changing. My self esteem is high, in fact so high that I have to check myself regularly and make sure I don\'t turn into a Dick. I\'m determined to continue to live a good honest life with compassion and respect for others. I didn\'t have this procedure to be the biggest guy out there. I simply wanted to feel happy and free from the anxiety you have experienced yourself.

You\'re in safe hands and I\'m sure you can leave a lot of our issues in the past following this experience.

In response to one of your questions, I have chose both times to stay in Tijuana for 2 nights after my procedure. I did this so that I could see Wade and if necessary Dr C on day 2 and 3. I felt happier knowing that if I had a problem, they were just next door to my hotel. It turned out to be useful to see Wade each day. He took a close look and showed me what to focus on during the post care. The grand hotel is nice but their wifi didn\'t work in either of the rooms I had. I\'m staying in the Marriott this time and everything is good.

Take care

hi letsgiveitago, good luck with your post op recovery and I wish you the best outcome possible.

Hi Grower,

We all come to this board with our own set of insecurities and experiences. But of everyone\'s story (mine included) I find yours the most troubling. What was done to you is despicable and while I can understand you don\'t want to re-live this pain I certainly hope that asshole is at least old enough or dead so that he isn\'t still doing this to others. If that isn\'t the case I\'m afraid you really have an obligation to expose him.

That being said, I\'m so happy for you to be able to put this behind you. Not being able to enjoy sex would be one of the worst punishments on this earth! You\'re going to feel so much better afterwards.

Good luck on the procedure and recovery!

I am truly touched by everyone\'s outpouring of support. This forum shares a truly unique quality, and one that we, until now, had no control over. Genetics and the media hype played a cruel joke on us.

I have added arnica cream to my list, and will get the Cialis down in Dr C office. Thanks everyone for being so truly open to discuss and motivate. From those of you that have already done this, I am getting awesome vibes, and I am excited to make this happen.

@Letsgiveitago - I am taking your advice and will stay at the Marriot in TJ.
I\'m curious how it went with you today? Share the experience and how you are feeling?
Can you tell me also what CC and % you got?

First off let me say, get ready for your life to change. Second, I\'m going to keep this sort because I\'m on my phone but I too used to be a huge Grower, and Wade and I have been discussing ways to help growers as apparently my retraction is \"the most extreme\" he\'s seen. That being the case, I want to give you some advice that can hopefully help you from what I\'ve learned.

If you can stay at the Grand hotel or the Marriott in Tijuana it would be well worth it as the long 2-3 hour trip across the border sitting in the van is going to really play he\'ll on your retracted penis to a point where it\'s going to be difficult or next to impossible to get it back to the proper shape.

Try to lay off any type of caffeine before and after the procedure and any medications that may cause more retraction. I take Vyvanse daily which is like Adderal for ADD that I learned the hard way causes a lot of retraction. I stopped it a week before and will not go back on it until 2 weeks after.

Buy the stretcher that Wade has there at the office and wear it as much as you can to avoid any retraction if possible. It grips the head and straps to the leg.

Pm me if you want and I can send pics of how mine was after the first round and the retraction issues. I\'ve been meaning to put up a thread here but haven\'t brought my computer home from work to do it and I don\'t want to hijack your thread with my pics.

Good luck to you. This seriously has changed my life.

Oh, that was the other thing, make sure you get that extra Cialis they said to cover you for a couple days as its supposed to also help you hang better. I\'m on day 5 after my second round and I have absolutely zero bruising. I too used an arnica ointment for the bruising and soreness. It works wonders.