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TOPIC: Well than...

Well than... 3 years 4 months ago #1308701486

So, one of my major issues and I do know it's a me issue is whether subconsciously or not, I have a hard time letting go when I feel wronged by a partner... I've held grudges for years, and ended relationships after the realization that I'd never let something go.

Even if I don't think about the events I deemed as a wrongdoing on a regular basis, often the recurring theme is I'll think about it during the most inopportune time. Often, right in the middle of sexual intercourse. This often results in me going from a solid Erection to a very Flaccid state in a blink of an eye.

Recently, my wife and I had an argument. During this argument she inadvertently let me know that if we didn't have children together she would be with someone in her past that she considered better for her. She definitely didn't realized what she said at the time but apologized later, unfortunately I know this is one of those things I'm going to have a very difficult time letting go.

Not really sure where I'm going to go from here... guess we'll see where this fork in the road takes me.

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Last edit: by dared3vil.

Well than... 3 years 4 months ago #1308701490

dared3vil wrote: So, one of my major issues and I do know it's a me issue is whether subconsciously or not, I have a hard time letting go when I feel wronged by a partner... I've held grudges for years, and ended relationships after the realization that I'd never let something go.

Even if I don't think about the events I deemed as a wrongdoing on a regular basis, often the recurring theme is I'll think about it during the most inopportune time. Often, right in the middle of sexual intercourse. This often results in me going from a solid Erection to a very Flaccid state in a blink of an eye.

Recently, my wife and I had an argument. During this argument she inadvertently let me know that if we didn't have children together she would be with someone in her past that she considered better for her. She definitely didn't realized what she said at the time but apologized later, unfortunately I know this is one of those things I'm going to have a very difficult time letting go.

Not really sure where I'm going to go from here... guess we'll see where this fork in the road takes me.


What she said was inappropriate and not defensible. That said, I suspect her willingness to say it wasn't about "I want to cheat on you with a previous lover," and more like "I really want a damn baby." Unlike men, women don't have the luxury of waiting indefinitely. That said, I'm a bit surprised you got married without having discussed the topic of kids, but I don't know all the details.

I'd recommend figuring out this "having a kid" thing first, it'll probably give you a good idea in which direction things are going. Oh and, please don't have a baby to save a marriage - never a good idea. Both partners should be on board.

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Well than... 3 years 4 months ago #1308701493

Skeptical_One wrote:

dared3vil wrote: So, one of my major issues and I do know it's a me issue is whether subconsciously or not, I have a hard time letting go when I feel wronged by a partner... I've held grudges for years, and ended relationships after the realization that I'd never let something go.

Even if I don't think about the events I deemed as a wrongdoing on a regular basis, often the recurring theme is I'll think about it during the most inopportune time. Often, right in the middle of sexual intercourse. This often results in me going from a solid Erection to a very Flaccid state in a blink of an eye.

Recently, my wife and I had an argument. During this argument she inadvertently let me know that if we didn't have children together she would be with someone in her past that she considered better for her. She definitely didn't realized what she said at the time but apologized later, unfortunately I know this is one of those things I'm going to have a very difficult time letting go.

Not really sure where I'm going to go from here... guess we'll see where this fork in the road takes me.


What she said was inappropriate and not defensible. That said, I suspect her willingness to say it wasn't about "I want to cheat on you with a previous lover," and more like "I really want a damn baby." Unlike men, women don't have the luxury of waiting indefinitely. That said, I'm a bit surprised you got married without having discussed the topic of kids, but I don't know all the details.

I'd recommend figuring out this "having a kid" thing first, it'll probably give you a good idea in which direction things are going. Oh and, please don't have a baby to save a marriage - never a good idea. Both partners should be on board.


Sorry, I could have worded it a little more clearly. We share two children and she meant had we not had them, she would be with this previous partner.

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Well than... 3 years 4 months ago #1308701494

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That’s...reprehensible in my mind. That is honestly one of the most cruel and hurtful things a partner could say to me. Are the issues that are present something you guys can work through together?

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Well than... 3 years 4 months ago #1308701496

ncat393 wrote: That’s...reprehensible in my mind. That is honestly one of the most cruel and hurtful things a partner could say to me. Are the issues that are present something you guys can work through together?


I'm not sure at this point. She's never hinted at anything of this nature before, so I'm kind of at a loss right now. Definitely have some things to consider.

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Well than... 3 years 4 months ago #1308701497

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I guess the question is was she extremely upset at something you had done? This doesn’t seem typical based on what you said, but sometimes when people are pushed to their limits, they say things that are extremely hurtful that they may not necessarily believe themselves but know will hurt you.

I’ve had a partner say to me “now I see why XXXX left you!” and a few other remarks that were only intended to hurt me because she was upset. I knew that she as a person did not feel those ways.

The question for you is are you okay with someone who may use what you’re insecure about to insult you or fling at you when they’re losing an argument just to spite you? Let things cool down, and then it’s time for you to have a serious discussion on how that made you feel, as cliché as that sounds.

EDIT: Also, I wouldn’t immediately assume this has anything to do with your physical appearance unless that was specifically said. Maybe she perceived your behavior recently as withdrawn or distant and got upset and you not providing the affection she wants. It’s easy for us to assume our largest insecurity is the reason someone says something like that, but it’s likely not.

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Well than... 3 years 4 months ago #1308701506

When you say that she thinks this previous person would have been better for her, did she mean as a sexual partner or overall? If it's the former, then I can see why you're posting in here since it's quite relevant. If it's more the latter, I'd say this is a little more of a typical relationship/argument problem that any couple might have, and you need to dig down into the roots of whatever is causing it. I don't mean to downplay the hurtfulness of the comment. Just trying to put into perspective where the comment (and your pain) are coming from.

Something else I'll mention is that people in relationships get very angry and say things they don't mean. Or they say things that maybe they've thought once or twice in the heat of anger or frustration but they don't really feel deep down. Finally, there are people who argue and have no problems saying really hurtful things because they're the kind of person who are more of the "slash and burn" type when fighting--for them they'll get to the point where they'll say whatever they need to in order to win the argument in the moment. Oftentimes, one half of a couple is like this while the other half is not. These people win more arguments but also do more damage. I think there might even be a book about it called "Fighting Fairly" or something along those lines. It's something to keep in mind and, if you get a chance to talk about it rationally, you might want to discuss with her how the two of you should argue/fight. Sort of a "meta" level of what is or isn't helpful fighting.

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Well than... 3 years 4 months ago #1308701507

I'm thinking she meant overall, although I didn't ask her to clarify. Yes, it may not specifically be a sexual incompatibility, minus my issue with maintaining sexual arousal with the issue in the back of my head, but I didnt think this specific forum category only related to sexual issues.

I'd say an overall incompatibility might be a little worse than just sexual incompatibility... even though that too can cause some serious mental hangups.

She's normally not a very spiteful person during arguments, and the argument we were having was honestly not a very big one... so I was very taken by surprise by her comment.

And yeah, she may have said it to cause a some pain on my end, but thats where my personal issue of not letting things go comes into play... there's a very likely chance that from this point forward the thought that she may have been telling the truth in that moment will revisit me from time to time.

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Well than... 3 years 4 months ago #1308701516

dared3vil wrote: I'm thinking she meant overall, although I didn't ask her to clarify. Yes, it may not specifically be a sexual incompatibility, minus my issue with maintaining sexual arousal with the issue in the back of my head, but I didnt think this specific forum category only related to sexual issues.

I'd say an overall incompatibility might be a little worse than just sexual incompatibility... even though that too can cause some serious mental hangups.

She's normally not a very spiteful person during arguments, and the argument we were having was honestly not a very big one... so I was very taken by surprise by her comment.

And yeah, she may have said it to cause a some pain on my end, but thats where my personal issue of not letting things go comes into play... there's a very likely chance that from this point forward the thought that she may have been telling the truth in that moment will revisit me from time to time.


You're right, this isn't just a sex-category, but relationships and things of that nature are talked about here; we're a unique community, no reason not to seek out advice from like-minded men.

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Well than... 3 years 4 months ago #1308701612

Man, I wouldn't worry about this too much. When women get mad they tend to shoot for saying the worst possible thing to hurt you. Think of it as a punch in the face rather than something she really means. I keep a list called "mean things my wife said to me" (mostly because I think it's funny) and some of the shit that's on it is downright brutal:

January 11, 2016

"You should really get your nuts cut off. God forbid you have another baby."

September 12, 2019 -

I showed her my credit score which just went up 9 more points. She said, "Congratulations, now when we get a divorce you can rent your own apartment."

August 14, 2020-

"I want to be able to see my kids everyday so I have to spend my life with an asshole."

But I don't believe she really means any of it. It's just that women seem to think that men are strong and have no feelings and they can say whatever they want to them ... and they have a tendency of picking the nastiest thing possible. So I wouldn't take her seriously ... doing so is just going to hurt yourself far more than she ever could.

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Well than... 3 years 4 months ago #1308701657

Kinda glad I never got married after all these years to be honest... The nuclear family is in so much trouble.

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Well than... 3 years 4 months ago #1308701667

dared3vil wrote: So, one of my major issues and I do know it's a me issue is whether subconsciously or not, I have a hard time letting go when I feel wronged by a partner... I've held grudges for years, and ended relationships after the realization that I'd never let something go.

Even if I don't think about the events I deemed as a wrongdoing on a regular basis, often the recurring theme is I'll think about it during the most inopportune time. Often, right in the middle of sexual intercourse. This often results in me going from a solid Erection to a very Flaccid state in a blink of an eye.

Recently, my wife and I had an argument. During this argument she inadvertently let me know that if we didn't have children together she would be with someone in her past that she considered better for her. She definitely didn't realized what she said at the time but apologized later, unfortunately I know this is one of those things I'm going to have a very difficult time letting go.

Not really sure where I'm going to go from here... guess we'll see where this fork in the road takes me.


Bro with that mindset she’s for the streets. Time to let that one go. If she still in child bearing years that mean you are young enough to leave and find someone else more compatible. I still to this day don’t understand why people get married besides tax and insurance purposes. You can love someone without signing a piece of paper.

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Well than... 3 years 4 months ago #1308701701

Jacks10 wrote: Man, I wouldn't worry about this too much. When women get mad they tend to shoot for saying the worst possible thing to hurt you. Think of it as a punch in the face rather than something she really means. I keep a list called "mean things my wife said to me" (mostly because I think it's funny) and some of the shit that's on it is downright brutal:

January 11, 2016

"You should really get your nuts cut off. God forbid you have another baby."

September 12, 2019 -

I showed her my credit score which just went up 9 more points. She said, "Congratulations, now when we get a divorce you can rent your own apartment."

August 14, 2020-

"I want to be able to see my kids everyday so I have to spend my life with an asshole."

But I don't believe she really means any of it. It's just that women seem to think that men are strong and have no feelings and they can say whatever they want to them ... and they have a tendency of picking the nastiest thing possible. So I wouldn't take her seriously ... doing so is just going to hurt yourself far more than she ever could.


Well, like I pointed out in the original post. Thats part of the problem, whether I like it or not, I have a very difficult time letting things go... always been like this. I understand it's an issue of mine. However it doesn't initiate itself out of nowhere, it does require something pretty messed up to happen.

Since the incident we've been at odds with each other a lot more often, I've definitely become a lot more irritable.

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Well than... 3 years 4 months ago #1308701702

Logman69 wrote: Kinda glad I never got married after all these years to be honest... The nuclear family is in so much trouble.


This is even my 2nd one! Lol. Yeah I swore I was going to wait forever to do it again... then I shot myself in the foot.

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Well than... 3 years 4 months ago #1308701703

New1inch wrote:

dared3vil wrote: So, one of my major issues and I do know it's a me issue is whether subconsciously or not, I have a hard time letting go when I feel wronged by a partner... I've held grudges for years, and ended relationships after the realization that I'd never let something go.

Even if I don't think about the events I deemed as a wrongdoing on a regular basis, often the recurring theme is I'll think about it during the most inopportune time. Often, right in the middle of sexual intercourse. This often results in me going from a solid Erection to a very Flaccid state in a blink of an eye.

Recently, my wife and I had an argument. During this argument she inadvertently let me know that if we didn't have children together she would be with someone in her past that she considered better for her. She definitely didn't realized what she said at the time but apologized later, unfortunately I know this is one of those things I'm going to have a very difficult time letting go.

Not really sure where I'm going to go from here... guess we'll see where this fork in the road takes me.


Bro with that mindset she’s for the streets. Time to let that one go. If she still in child bearing years that mean you are young enough to leave and find someone else more compatible. I still to this day don’t understand why people get married besides tax and insurance purposes. You can love someone without signing a piece of paper.


I mean, genuinely wanted to marry her. Already had children together. Im not one that buys into the full commercial concept of marriage, we had a $50 courthouse marriage. However, I do understand the idea of full commitment to someone.

Although even the idea of marriage as a symbolic gesture is starting to wane.

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