Phalloplasty Journey Part 1 and 2
Where to begin? Well, I guess I should start when I first actually started becoming aware of my penis and how it compared to other boys my age. I guess it would have to be back in junior high school. I was 13 or 14 years old and we all had to start showering after gym class together. I remember, to my amazement, that some of the boys already had hair under their arms and in their pubic region. I didn’t have one hair! As I recall, size was not an issue at the beginning for me. My main fear was that everyone was going to see that I had no pubic hair. I somehow would manage to find a way to not shower and exit the change room without other students noticing. This would happen weekly. I would however stay in the change room long enough to notice that the boys who had not hit puberty quite yet would have to endure their share of ribbing and name calling. I had indeed made the right decision to not shower!
One day after basketball practice at school, one of the other players (a tall, lanky guy) proceeded to take off his uniform and enter the shower. When he did this, a hush filled the entire change room. This guy had an enormous flaccid penis. I know how memories can be distorted over time, but I swear this guys penis must have been 8 or 9 inches long flaccid…And he was only 14 years old! If there was any one point that I could pinpoint where the genesis of my complex about penis size occurred, it was at this moment. This guy literally was 4 or 5 times bigger than me flaccid. The entire change room then erupted into laughter…Not me though…I sat on the change room bench, and concluded (incorrectly) that my penis was of an insufficient size. This torture would go on for all of basketball season. This well endowed guy would (like clockwork), take off his clothes and shower in front of us…Not surprisingly, most of the other guys stopped showering (when he was there at least)…so we would just watch (out of the corner of our eyes) this guy…I am pretty sure that I was not the only one traumatized by this…Whatever happened to this guy? Did he become the Don Juan of our century? I have no idea. He ended up moving to another part of the country at the end of the year. Like a puff of smoke and he was gone. Thank God, I don’t think I could have endured it during high school too…A constant reminder of my inadequacy…
I finally started to hit puberty at the end of grade 8 and developed into a big, strapping young boy. I was never overly athletic, but I was a good looking kid (if I do say so myself)…I also had good grades…My family was upper middle class, and they provided me with a loving, supportive environment. I had everything going for me.
Up to the time I was 17, I managed, by some miracle, to not let any of my friends or classmates see my penis. By this point I had started, in an unhealthy, obsessive way, to worry about my penis size. Again, my penis size flaccid was probably about 3 inches (at that time)…so completely normal. But I was sure it was undersized. It didn’t help that I was quite tall, making my penis appear small in proportion to my body. I would spend hours in bookstores and libraries researching about penis size. Worse though were pornographic books and movies. I would see these gargantuan penises and get a lump my throat…thinking I would never be able to satisfy a woman with my pathetic one.
I remember the day I finally debuted my penis in front of my friends. I had started to weight lift and would often go to the gym with my friends after school. The gym had a shower and Jacuzzi. and it was just proper gym etiquette to take a shower after working out. There was no escaping it; I had to take a shower with my friends. I thought, well, my penis doesn’t look so bad when I’m relaxed...and it looks good when I have a bit of “a chub”…So my plan was to “chub up” just before I entered the shower. I left the weight training area and proceeded to the change room…I undressed to my underwear and told my friends that I had to go to the toilet. I went to the toilet and tried to “chub up” by massaging (masturbating) myself. Unfortunately, my penis was not having any of it. And did what it always does in stressful situations…Retract and shrivel…Oh my gosh, now my penis was even smaller than it usually is! I thought about just not showering and going home…but figured that would look too conspicuous…so I gathered up all my courage, swallowed my pride…and entered the shower area. By the time I entered all my friends had finished showering and were relaxing in the Jacuzzi…This was the absolute worst-case scenario. Their eyes fixed on me as I stood under the faucet of the shower. I somehow managed to garner the courage to take the towel off…and… took a very quick shower…Of course the shower water was cold on top of everything…adding to my penis problems…I then made my way to the Jacuzzi and jumped in. Nobody made a comment at the time and life went on…A week later though, when I was getting dressed after gym class (of course no shower), a friend of mine who saw me naked the week before asked me why I didn’t shower after gym class…I told him that I just didn’t have the time…Then he said something that shook me terribly…He said “Don’t worry about your size too much; my dick is small too” …All my worries and suspicions were confirmed; I did have a small penis! My life was ruined. Incidentally, the guy who said this to me really and truly did have a small penis! I couldn’t believe we were being lumped together.
Throughout high school I continued to avoid the showers as much as possible and my obsession with penis size continued. I would religiously measure my penis every day after school. It was a system…I would masturbate, measure, then take meticulous notes of flaccid and erect lengths Girth was never a consideration at this time for me. By the time I was 18 my penis had basically finished growing…Flaccid length (3.8 inches), erect length (6. 3 inches).."How sad", I thought. Even though all the books and articles (literally hundreds) that I read said I was average or even above average, I was sure they were lying (just to make us "needle dicks" feel good about ourselves) because of firsthand evidence (junior high school guy) in the locker room and adult filmso movies! How was I ever going to satisfy a girl?
Needless to say, I never had a girlfriend in high school. It wasn’t due only to my penis size issues (though they didn’t help), but rather to my shy and awkward personality.
It wasn’t until university that I finally met my first girlfriend…And that’s when my penis size issues went from theoretical to practical concerns…
I met my first girlfriend three weeks before I was to head off to university. I had had basically no experience with the opposite sex and had been looking forward to all the opportunities waiting for me as a freshman at a large university. Fate intervened early though…I met “Brenda” through friends, got her number, made a bumbling phone call…and got the date. I was intensely shy and it took me a few dates to even work up the courage to kiss her. We were both complete virgins and had no idea what to do. Remember, this was back in the non-Internet 1980s. Sex was much more of a mystery…much less talked about. However…nature indeed took its course…and by the second month we had started regularly “parking” and making out. At first it was just talking and holding hands…This gradually moved onto kissing…then onto French kissing…Then I got her top off, and then her bottoms…It was magical. The mysteries of the female anatomy were being revealed to me in the most magnificent way.
Unfortunately, for Brenda, I was not so accommodating when she tried to undo my pants. In fact, I had no intention of undoing my pants. I was terrified she was going to take one look at my dick and giggle. Yes, I know she was a virgin…And most likely in that day and age she hadn’t really been exposed to adult pornography and all those monstrous penises…but I felt… so inadequate. I remember at that time reading a woman’s magazine where a reader wrote in and explained how she would be able to determine the size of a man’s penis by leaning up against him and gently touching his crotch. Words that were bantered around included such things as “cucumber” and “large banana”… I remember thinking that if she were to do that to me, she would feel something that would be akin to a package of “Rolos”…Would a woman find that sexy? I didn’t think so. As a result of all this, I started becoming even more and more obsessed about the penis size issue. I would spend endless hours in the university library (when I should have been spending time on my studies) researching penis size.
Brenda started becoming more aggressive during our make out sessions…She would (in a playful way) try to touch my penis and would, in a seductive voice, ask me if I wanted her to do “anything”. I would tell her that I would prefer to wait because if she were to unbutton my pants, I would have trouble controlling myself. Of course this was all untrue…I just didn’t want her to see my penis!
Finally, around the 3rd month of dating, I had to let her finally “see” “it”. She naturally was finding it odd that I wouldn’t even let her touch my penis through my jeans…so, I finally promised the next week I would “acquiesce”. Beside the “size” issue was another major issue…The fact that because of my unhealthy obsession and basic neurosis regarding penis size, I was unable to get fully hard in stressful situations…And any intimate encounter was “stressful”. What was I to do? For the last three months I had been given the wondrous gift…basically full reign… of a beautiful virgin’s body. What would she get? An undersized, shriveled up, gelatinous glob…I had five days before we were to meet…What to do? Of course, back to the books of the university library, feeding my ridiculous neurotic obsession!
I remember the day well…It was in November…sunny but cool…It was in late morning of a Saturday. We were walking in a forested area and just talking…I was dreading the evening (penis time)…We were holding hands and we were miles from anyone else….She leaned over and kissed me….French kissed me…Bong! I got a major woody…I thought “well…now is as good a time as any”…not really (it was in a forest after all) …but hey, I was 18 and an idiot….I quickly unzipped my pants and let her finally see my “manhood” (before I lost the erection). She squeezed it and said…”Wow, that is big”…I’m not sure if she was sincere with that comment (it was after all the first one she had seen to my knowledge)..or just massaging my ego…but it was the nicest, most complimentary thing anybody had ever said to me…I was in heaven. All my apprehensions disintegrated and for the next few weeks it was my turn to be on the receiving end of sexual exploration. It was all so magnificent.
Slowly but surely things were building towards intercourse. We had decided that it was best for her to get on the pill for when we eventually started to have sex. Back then, getting pregnant meant basically having the child…And there was no way we were ready for that. Heavy petting was fine but the idea of intercourse was very intimidating. I was sure that when we finally did, I would finally be exposed for having an insuffiently sized penis. Yes, her “your penis is big” comment...although very encouraging…was unable to completely repair the years of damage my neurotic obsession caused…I was therefore determined to put off sexual intercourse as long as possible…I managed to stave it off a few months because that’s how long you have to generally wait before “the pill” is ready to work…This was the perfect excuse.
We would spend hours on oral sex. At times, Brenda would guide my penis toward her vagina, indicating to me that she was absolutely fine with me entering her…However, at the very thought of doing that, and the potential failure it represented, I would lose my erection. One time, I was pleasing her with my fingers and she grabbed both sides of my head and said “if you want to make love to me right now, I won’t stop you”. I grabbed her arms and said “There’s nothing I would like to do more, but we should wait until it’s completely safe”. Of course that was BS. I just didn’t have the confidence to do it.
Finally by Christmas there was no escaping sexual intercourse. The doctor gave Brenda and I the green light… and the romantic season of Christmas was upon us. I had three weeks off from school and we were together almost every single day.
One day she came over to my house when my parents weren’t home. This was a very rare occurrence,having a bedroom all to ourselves. Up to that point, most of our romantic encounters happened on my father’s car seats…If my father only knew!
Brenda made her way to my bed lay down and said, ”I’ve been waiting my waiting my whole life for this moment”. “Holy crap!” I thought to myself. “”the pressure is on”…Because of the anxiety, my penis started to deflate (just as I feared)….I jumped under the covers and said something to effect “let’s take this slow and enjoy every minute”…Not this time for Brenda; she wanted “PENIS”.. I was limp at best but still attempted to enter her. What surprised me was how easy it was to get inside. I always hear about how the first time is very difficult to enter a woman…Well, mine went in with little or no friction. In fact, to my utter horror, she said the thing that is usually only associated with jokes…She said “is it in?”…I said “no”…which wasn’t true… It was fully in…I took my penis out and said “let’s try this again later when I more relaxed”.
My worst fears were realized (again), I had put my penis in her and instead of getting that pained expression of joy on her face…she didn’t even know it was in her… She lost her virginity but didn’t even notice!
In retrospect, as an aficionado of penis size (now), I realize now this was basically due to the fact that I wasn’t fully hard...and not because my penis was too small…but there would have been no explaining this to me at that time. As far as I was concerned, I was incapable of satisfying a woman due to my small penis size
My subsequent attempts the following weeks were not much more successful…My penis was generally less than rock hard when we would try to make love, and she there was generally little or no reaction from her. And this was a girl who would easily orgasm with my fingers or my tongue. Finally, I asked her how the sex was. She replied, “Well…it’s nothing to write home about”. I felt destroyed…I felt I was worthless as a lover…and therefore as a man….And this was all due to my pathetic excuse for a penis (at least I thought it was).
Fortunately, over time, sex did get better…I managed to be able to get fully hard… but only when Brenda was on top. She even started to cum regularly (from my penis). However, I was unable to properly have missionary style sex because I would tense up and lose my erection. Doggy style was hit and miss. I do think on many levels she wasn’t satisfied. She must have been aware that I was uptight, that my penis was often limp…and because I had such little experience, I just didn’t know what I was doing….
Brenda and I broke up two years later. In fact, it was I who dumped her. Even though I was deficient (or so I thought) in the penis department, I was attractive enough to the opposite sex that they were flirting with me all the time at university. Nature was calling and I wanted to explore what was out there. In the back of my mind though, there was always that belief that I didn’t quite measure up. How would other girls react to my insufficient size. I was willing to risk it…all in the name of sowing my seeds.