Here\'s my story. I am over 30, have been plagued with size issues and fears all my life, have a lot of relationship experience (but had zero sexual experience until 4 weeks ago), started dating a girl a few months ago, finally had sex ,a lot of sex with her during the last few weeks.
Now the relationship is what you would call a normal, complete relationship.
However , something has been troubling me now.
I like her and she likes me and we appear to be going the long term way. While she is great and I would like that too, I can\'t stop fantasizing about every girl I see. At work , in the train, on the streets.
I think its because of my literally zero sexual experience other than with her and the curiosity that comes with it.
I can\'t help but want to experience more. I almost think I deserve to have sex with other women in the world too, given that I never did before.
I dont know if I am like this because this is really my first sexual relationship and I just want to explore more and not settle down or maybe thats how I am as a person and will continue always to fantasize about other women while I am with someone.
Should I give in to the urges and try and have sex with more girls, or should I stay loyal to my gf and enjoy her company, the sex and accept that not every one in the world needs to have 10s of sexual partners.
I am not going to cheat on her because I like her and respect her too much and she truly is someone really nice and someone whom I consider myself lucky to have in my life.
I have had a number of non sexual gfs in the past (dont ask me how I pulled it off) , so it is not that I am falling in love with her because she is the first girl in my life.
When I am with her, I dont fantasize about other girls that much. But there are at least 10 girls in my office that turn me on and countless others on the streets, in the malls , etc.
I dont want to lose my gf, I dont want to cheat, and I want to know what I truly want.
You are either in one of two \"urge\" camps. I call the first camp the \"Paternal Camp,\" the one that wants to \"settle down,\" and lead a stable long-term life with a family. These men are not immune to the urges possessed by the second camp, but have grown mature & experienced enough to know where to draw the line.
Then you have the camp of men who are simply not ready to settle (though some make the mistake of doing so only to end up being cheaters) and those men ought to live out their lives (hopefully making healthy decisions) until they reach a point where a woman in their lives justifies entering the \"Paternal Camp.\"
The only justification of being in a \"steady\" relationship w/out the purpose of marriage/family is to have a stable fuck buddy, plain and simple. I find that there is too much risk in investing yourself emotionally/financially/etc with a woman who may not end up being your wife or the mother of your children... and chances are strong she isn\'t the one if you are constantly thinking of other women.
Maybe I\'m wrong in my assessment, maybe I\'m right. But if there are truly such things as \"two Urge camps,\" you are more than likely not in the \"Paternal Camp,\" yet. Heck some men never get to that point, while others get there very early in life.
Be honest with yourself. If you feel like you really want to explore what\'s out there, try and break things off steadily and respectfully. You may even want to be honest (to some extent) by explaining to her that you \"aren\'t at a place in your life where you want something serious.\" However, if she\'s an amazing woman, a total catch, reevaluate your position. At the end of the day, it\'s better you break it off and not cheat on her, then to remain with her with urges to bang other women.
Thanks SO. What you suggest makes a lot of sense.
As the first step, I am just trying to accept that these fantasies are not going to disappear out of the blue.
And tbh, I am not going to fight them too much. Which doesn\'t mean I am going to give in to them. It simply means I am going to first draw the line, give it some more time with her and see if these really are just fantasies and may remain a part of me without impacting my relationships.
What I am trying to do is cut down on other fuels of these fantasies like too much porn which I don\'t think is too healthy anyway.
Overall I consider myself to be a loyal person who will be at the threshold of the paternal camp , not really in it. Not yet anyway.
She is too nice a person and I like her enough to not break up with her in the near future. I think I need some time also to understand my thoughts and my feelings. If these urges stop me from connecting to her, I will end things with her.
I would love to be not fantasizing and just focus on her, but I can\'t. Maybe it is too much porn, maybe my lack of sexual intimacy in the past.
I will keep you guys posted. Thanks for listening.
Sex , relationships and decisions 11 years 2 weeks ago #1275785028
I can say that cheating is most definitely not the way. Take it from someone who has been cheated on. That is, in my opinion, one of the worst ways to disrespect and and truly hurt another person. The psychological damage can take years to get over. That isn\'t the kind of person that you want to be. Next, it is perfectly natural to desire other women. That is the way that males are programmed. My suggestion would be to stay with this girl and be faithful. I obviously cannot give specific advice as I do not know your situation or why you have waited so long to have sex. She hopefully cares about you and it may not be as easy to sleep with a bunch of women as you think. The grass isn\'t always greener on the other side. I would give this one a chance. Some ass is better than no ass at all lol. This is definitely an abnormal situation though. Generally people seem to get really attached to their first, its interesting that you have such a strong desire to hook up with other women so quickly. Good luck to you and keep us posted!
@speed1234 This is my first post and it\'s for you my friend. Be careful! You say that you have had the insecurity of size for most of your life. This girl sounds as though she likes and accepts you for the way you are. The only other comparison you have is porn? Trust the feeling you have when you are around her as I\'m sure it\'s better than when you\'re alone watching porn, emotionally. If you so happen to venture out, as I mentioned, be careful not to bring out your long-lived insecurities by messing with \"that\" girl who may not accept you for who you are physically, emotionally, etc. I may be wrong but imo it\'s worth giving this girl your all for the moment. If you decide to mess around with other women just be fair to her by being honest in telling her you want to play the field and not cheat on her. It just may come back on you one day. If it doesn\'t work out then there are still millions of women to choose from...are you feeling lucky? Happiness in the is ALWAYS more precious than the horniness in you heads, SOMETIMES. Good luck bud!