TOPIC: Well..here I am..(long post)

Hello guys, I\'m very new to PE (manual and injective/surgical), but have been reading up immensly over the last couple of weeks. Apologizes in advance as English is not my mother language. This is going to be long, and agonizing.

Basically, I\'m small. Like, really small. I have what you call a turtler when Flaccid, and as for Erect measures, I have a NBPEL of 4.92\", and a BPEL of 5.7\". I\'m slightly overweight (although I don\'t look it except naked) and have a rather big fatpad (who would\'ve guessed given the turtler), this I\'m sure I\'ll get rid of eventually as I\'m starting to weight lift very shortly and have lost a decent amount of weight lately. Now..my Girth is perhaps by biggest issue, I\'m basically at 4.13\" (midshaft) Erect. To say this causes me grievance would be the understatement of the century.

Now, before I continue, aside from this big (small) problem, I would like to tell you a little bit of me and my life aside from this. (I know this will likely make me sound like a big braggard but it\'s not the intention, it\'s more to give you an idea of just how insanely focued I am on this issue given I just don\'t have too much else to think about). First of all, I\'m 27 years of age, living in Europe.

Basically, while I stated that I\'m slightly overweight (and that retarded big penis-hiding fatpad), it\'s really not noticable with clothes on, I\'m basically slim-fat so-to-speak (not a lot of muscle). I\'m 6\' 0.8\", and I would say I have a very good-looking face (women tell me this all the time too and I have no problem flirting/getting people attracted to me, although for the above reason I rarely capitalize on this :/). I dress well and with some exercise I could probably be a male model (I\'ve been contacted about this in earlier, slimmer years), and, once again, not trying to brag in any way, consider myself highly intelligent and basically all my friends consider me very smart and successful in my \"socializing group\". (God, this is beginning to sound like a contact ad, sorry for that). I\'ve also made a whole bunch of money (legally and honestly fwiw), basically to the point of being set for life already.

So, getting done with that self-hate-inducing self-promotion, here\'s the current deal. Very recently I dated a girl, one I actually really liked (yes, despite my small size I\'ve been with a few girls but never really been into getting a relationship, part because I didn\'t want to, and part because of my small member making me basically not wanting to meet the girls again to get rejected), who I dated a few times and slept with a few times.

She never commented on my penis and basically she fell for me the first time we met through some mutual friends, and actively pursued me. Eventually I kind of fell for her too for real. At this point she was acting strange, and I basically figured she was too nice and didn\'t want to break up with me, instead forcing me to break up with her to try to make me feel better. She could very possibly have found someone else, but I have no way of confirming any of this. It\'s possible I\'m just imagining this but it really doesn\'t matter at this point.

Naturally, being paranoid I assumed it was because of my size (and this seems like the most logical conclusion given just how into me she really were right from the start), and gradually I\'ve just basically decided that that was it. Ever since, I\'ve basically been in a depression. Yes, I know, being small is not news to me, but this is the first time I really felt something for someone, and the realization of my inadequatness has basically killed my mind. I cannot think about anything else, I can\'t socialize, I\'m just lying in bed mangling thoughts. And when I say depression I don\'t mean it in the sense that I\'ve completely lost my mind, it\'s just that it has incapacitated me completely. My stresslevel (probably have my whole body filled with cortisol at this point) is extremely high, I\'ve lost all appetite and have to force myself to eat just because I know I have to, but I\'ve defnitely lost weight just over this last week from basically being unable to eat more than very little. Still, I am not insane, just incurably depressed over being inadequate and from having had a very high confidence-level (despite being small) due to all my other \"qualities\" I\'m now basically down to zero and unable to do anything.

And, since I\'m financially well off and basically not working anymore, I just basically stay in bed all day trying to sleep away this mental pain, which I know will never go away since, well, nothing will change with time.

This of course aside from relentlessly surfing thunders place and now having found this page as well. I\'ve started some PE-exercises but realize this will easily take a year to show any affect, and an affect is not even guaranteed. As I said I intend to start weight-lifting shortly as well (to get fit and hopefully get rid of fatpad amongst other things).

So, this is basically it. Aside from having a small penis I have zero to complain about and rather people envy me for everything I have, but at this point all that just means zero. I feel like I would give up everything just to have a big penis as it is, that\'s just how desperate I am.

It\'s gone to the point that basically not a minute of the day of my thoughts this last week hasn\'t been about penis size and feeling inadequate. The last few nights I\'m having nightmares related to this and waking up multiple times.

All in all, I\'m a wreck, and my friends are starting to wonder what\'s going on since I won\'t come out to socialize at all and is basically not responding to calls/textmessages.

I really do hope I do not come accross as a cocky(jeez does this word sound wrong in more ways than one here) ass trying to explain just how \"good\" all other parts of my life are, I\'m really just trying to explain how I have no other problems at all and thus this small penis-thing is CONSUMING me entirely.

Now, I\'m scared as hell of anything involving anything \"external\" in terms of surgeries, injections etc, and having very little time to do research I feel completely lost, but having read all I can here about PMMA, and guys being both younger and being big to start with going with this + what I perceive to be some very intelligent/well-informed people writing here, it seems like perhaps one way out. I could probably live with the length as it is, when/if I lose my fatpad and perhaps combined with some stretching/getting and ADS I should be able to get a decent enough length (I\'d be fine with having over 6\", as long as it\'s not that big of a difference between bonepressed and visible), but the Girth is just horrendous as it is. Basically I\'d want over 5.1\" in Girth, i.e about an increase of 1\" from my current fiasco. I\'d basically be superhappy with that.

I feel I will just not get out of this slump naturally, it\'s not something that heals with time (I still wake up every morning with a small Dick) and I fear I will eventually lose my mind over this if it goes on much longer. I\'m still completely rational and of course have no thoughts or any BS like that, but I am very clearly in a mild-to-normal depression that time won\'t solve. The feeling of never being able to be the guy that the girl is pleased with when pants come off is basically just too much to deal with for me as it is now, I feel such envy towards well-endowed men :/

So, basically there you have my life. I know I\'d have to travel to SD (and further on to Mexico), and probably multiple times, but as I said, money is not really an issue for me. Having a small penis is.

Alright...writing this took, well, SOME courage and now it\'s all out there..What scares me is having not researched for a long time at all and basically just jumping into something that I admittedly know very, very little about, but my current life is basically unbearable. My main scares is irreparable damage to the penis in terms of it losing it\'s function..I\'m 27 and have a long sex life left (well, in theory at least), and becoming an eunuck..yeah I just don\'t want to even think about that. From what I\'ve read there has been basically no complications so far, but as you are all saying, we have no idea of where this is in five years and what complications might arise. It seems unlikely such serious things should be able to happen (permanet impotence and all the possible worst outcomes from surgery (I know this isn\'t technically surgery, just using it as an example), but I still can\'t shake the fear, probably mostly from being so un-read up on all this.

I\'m basically scared to death of such outcomes, but then again I\'m also basically incapable of functioning right now.

Alright that\'s all I can think about right now that is of importance...any kind of suggestions, thoughts, ideas etc are welcome. As you understand I have not told a soul about this, it\'s just not anything I know I could comfortably speak to with a friend, and none of my friends know of my problem, it\'s just too much shame involved.

/Fedup

Fedup-
Please do not tell us you know more about psychological therapy than professionals BEFORE YOU EVEN GO!!!
If you are that well off (I believe you) then spend $500 and go to three sessions. You have surely wasted more money on less productive things. You invest by managing risks. You can get an EDGE here by gathering more information. The benefits outweigh the costs!
I see this as you (again) trying to control everything. The reality is you (and I) are not in control. The ONLY thing we control is the thoughts inside our own mind. Can you think your way around having a small penis? Probably not. So that\'s it?! You go talk to a professional and it is A) I think my way around my penis size (RESULT: GOOD) or I cannot think my way around it (RESULT: BAD). You are kidding yourself. If they even help you understand yourself and your situation 20% more than you do now you will be ahead. Can you imagine if you said...if I start trading financial instruments two things can happen A) I will be totally successful (RESULT: GOOD) or I will be totally unsuccessful (RESULT: BAD)!? Of course not!
Look at this holistically. Surgery? Maybe. Exercises? Why not. Therapy? DEFINITELY!!!
Do you think the average therapist knows more about finance than you? (I am sure there are a few out of millions. But in general...NO WAY)
Do you think you know more about behavior and psychology than the average therapist? (If you say yes, it just proves you need therapy!)
You are smart. Prove me wrong. Go see two therapists. Talk a bit. Spend two or three sessions. If you learn nothing I would be very very surprised.
The invite to talk is still on the table.
Nomad1

Hey guys,

Thought I\'d check in. The worst of the depression is over. I\'m back to eating normally, and while I\'m still basically obsessed and at least a few times a day goes into \"despair mode\" thinking there is no way out of this (in fact, the worst of the fear is that in say 1.5 years there\'s just nothing to be done..if I could get a guarantee today that in 1.5 or 2 years I will have a changed penis then my mood would have just been oodles better, even though it would have meant hard work and not much fun during that period..it\'s really the \"this might not actually get fixed\" that\'s the scary part, the finality/feeling of fatalism of it, getting stuck for life etc. Still, I have been able to somewhat get my life back, I\'m not socializing nearly as much as I used to, and I don\'t meet up with as many people as before, but I am no longer stuck at home mangling thoughts 24/7 which is a major improvement. Still, the burden of knowing you will not feel good about yourself for a long time to come (and as mentioned above, possibly never which is the REAL scary part) is definitely coming down on me from time to time, but I\'m fighting it as best I can.

I\'ve let in two friends on my \"secret\", and that turned out rather well. Both of them being very good online friends, but not people I meet very often in person; I don\'t think I\'d be able to tell someone about this shit face to face. Both of them recommended me to go to some cognitive behaviour therapy, and at first I thought about it (although I was really sceptical it would help me since, well, I doub\'t I\'d be able to just think around me having a small penis in the end, it\'s not the kind of person I am. As it is now I\'ve recovered \"enough\" that I don\'t think I\'ll be going this route. Really, the only thing that would comfort me (and that would be tremendous comfort) is basically to have a guarantee a solution exists for me in the next two years or so, that would remove almost all anxiety, but as that cannot be had I\'m stuck with feeling better but never good, and I don\'t expect this will ever change until/if/ever I \"solve\" this in the end.

Sure, in 10 years or so the penile enhancement industry is likely going to have developed shitloads/not be in the same ballpark as now, but 10 years is a long, long time.

Either way, I\'m dead set on doing everything in my power, and as it is now I\'m following the thunders newbie routine (jelking and manual stretching) and intend to do so for about two more months, and then go into Hanging which (hopefully) will work for me in the coming year. As it is now I think just general better EQ/conditioning has given me some newbie gains, and I can actually BPEL 6\" now which isn\'t horrendous. Still, Girth being my main problem and I don\'t really believe in manual PE working on this so I have no illusions of actually gaining any Girth whatsoever over the next year, whereas I am hopeful to be able to gain some length..if I could get an Inch in length over the course of next year that would be great, while at the same time getting really fit through weight lifting to get rid of that pesky fat pad hiding some .75\", then I\'d feel fit to go for PMMA perhaps by new years next year or so should nothing serious have developed.

That\'s the current status, and thanks as always for everyone replying, and everyone I\'ve spoken to in chat and/or private messages. Any thoughts/ideas/questions are, as always, welcome, be it here or in private.

Best regards,

Fedup

Thank you nomad1.

I appreciate your candor, as I said I do not want pity or anyone telling me it\'s all fine, so what you are writing is exactly what I need to hear. As far as overobsessing..well, yes..but having no other issues whatsoever means ALL my focus goes into this..it\'s not something I can change I\'m afraid.

As for friends..well, yes, but it was really hard enough even to open up to one..I felt so much shame that I can hardly describe it doing it :/ I am completely with you that I cannot be a taker of value however and I would feel even worse if I turned out to become a leech..I do my utmost to contribute in any way I can with this friend of mine in all aspects of life (and all my friends for that matter)..and up until now I\'ve never really needed someone as much as they\'ve needed me, and this makes me feel very, very vulnerable.

Sexual therapist..not sure I really have it in me to do this..this friend of mine I\'ve spoken to online (we have met before), but doing this in real life face to face with someone...I don\'t know, it scares the bejeesus out of me. Yes, I do have low self-esteem now..way lower than my second-lowest point, and prior to these two last weeks my self-esteem had instead been very high for quite a long time, so the difference is, well, immense.

It\'s my one sole achilles heal and somehow before I\'ve been able to just keep it in my unconscious mind.

As for measurement goals..yeah you are of course correct..I just need to envision that it\'s actually possibly to get out of this situation even if it takes year(s)..my mind is unable to accept that I\'m stuck with what I\'ve got, that kind of verdict would take me so deep down the abyss I\'m not sure I\'d recover. I know at this point there is no way I can learn to live with my situation, it\'s so far away from my personality and my \"requirements\" (yes this part is bad, I know, I\'m constantly striving for perfectionism) of myself..the only way I can go on is if there is a very good chance I can actually change my penis..I\'m prepared to put in a lot of time, but I NEED to feel that it\'s doable. Reading about miracle7 writing that he believes manual-PE to be utter bollocks (and so according to two famous urologists) put down my spirit quite a bit for example

I have no trouble putting down enormous effort into this..it\'s the only way I can see myself go on, I will NOT accept defeat and \"live with what I have\", I just cannot do that and I can guarantee no therapist will be able to change this, I\'d have to change my entire persona and personality into something I\'m not.

Socializing then, yes, it would likely be good for me but currently I just cannot. I am utterly and completely preoccupied (as you said, over-obsessing) over this. I\'m sure I will eventually start to spend time with friends again but right now it\'s just too close. I know my friends miss me and I definitely see your point in socializing for their benefit, but as it is I just cannot bring myself to muster the strength to put on a facade of being okay. I know, I shouldn\'t even have to try that and let my friends help me etc, but there is such stigma, taboo and shame related to this that it\'s really inconceivable to me. It\'s literally the one thing I can\'t imagine being open about, the one single thing, and that happened to be the problem I got dealt..the irony.

This actually goes together with in a sense already being somewhat of the \"leader of men\" in my socializing group...coming back now with a deflated self-esteem, with none of my self-confidence of before..I just don\'t know what would happen, my friends would freak out realizing something really terrible must have happened..and I would be unable to say anything to ease their minds. God, just thinking aobut this gives me the shivers.

Finally, once again, you being so frank and upfront and not just trying to soothe me is really, really appreciated. All of you guys reaching out is greatly appreciated as I\'ve never felt as alone and weak as I have been feeling these last couple of weeks, going from essentially always having been the helping hand and never really needing anyone else to the exacty opposite is something I\'ve still not been able to deal with..and thus of course my self-confidence naturally plummeted to a life-low.

Do not worry about saying things to hurt..in a sense I need it to hurt but in a positive way to keep me going.

The one thing I will not do is give up, and that is why I need to feel there is a very reasonable chance that stretching, PE, PMMA/whatever it might be will eventually help me gain a penis I can be secure with. I do not need a quick fix compared to many other desperate people...this I know doesn\'t exist. But I need to know that there is light at the end of a very long tunnel of hard work and that it will pay off. Accepting my fate as it is now is not an option for me.

Thank you all and I hope my ramblings are coherent enough not to just skip through/disregard.

I am a trainwreck currently, but I will not surrender.

FedUp-
Very glad to hear some of things you said in this post.
You are doing some of the things I was thinking. Workout...it makes you feel better. Eat right ...same effect. Reduce or eliminate your drinking. And no painkillers or weed. Get your chemicals in balance. Also try to get the body in great shape. Knowing you are moving towards goals will give you confidence. Take the pressure off yourself by saying that you will spend 30 minutes a day gathering information about surgical procedures. Do not pressure yourself to do a procedure. But do not excuse gathering information. Take what you control and work at those things.
Also, you are over-obessing to an extent. You need a friend to talk to. More than one will help more. As you receive help do not be a taker of value. How can you reciprocate with the people who help you? Try to add value to their lives or at least say thank you. Seek the advice of a professional sex therapist. If he or she says NO PROCEDURES then I think he or she is at least to opinionated to be taking you seriously. If you have low self-esteem (right now you do) you will attract low self-esteem people. Try researching courses on developing confidence (I will share if we PM).
Forget setting a measurement goal. IMO just ask how much better you would feel if you were a bit bigger. One sure fire way to a disappointing outcome is to say you want to go from 4 x 4 to 7 x 6. Not saying the before or after were mentioned by you, but the results of surgical procedures needs to be realistic. Also stop staying at home. If you are so successful and do not want to volunteer some, then at least get up, leave the house and socialize. Forget about sex at first. Just get out and be with people. It is unhealthy to hibernate.
Then seek out some self-help stuff. Tony Robbins has some great stuff. NLP is great also.
Ok ...more to follow. Hope our reaching out is helping. I am glad you are writing these thoughts down. You need to be heard, understood and appreciated as a worthy human being and person. Just keep asking yourself what you could do to deal with this. Staying home is a cop-put. OK that is a little strong. But you do not need friends that tell you all is fine. All is not fine. You deserve a social life. Heck at least do it for the benefit of the people you meet. Most people have boring lives. Can you mentor or coach people your age to be more successful? This is a very attractive quality to women...being a leader of men. If you are retired at 27 then I find it unacceptable for you to sit home and ruminate. Heck going to a church or meditating will help. Also writing up your assets on paper.
I know some was a bit of a push. I would not say things to hurt. I gain nothing from it. But I know if you develop some positive momentum, things will get better. If I could waive a wand and fix this I would. I can\'t. But what I can do is point out where you can make changes that (a) won\'t hurt and (b) will likely help.
I am in your corner rkc.
Nomad 1

Hey guys,

Figured I\'d chime in and give an update. (Edit: turns out I wrote another novel heh)

Thanks a lot for all the support, and yes, it really wasn\'t easy starting down this path of describing my feelings...I\'ve never done it ever, and have basically never spoken about my feelings for anything to anyone, even my friends, it\'s just never been me, so suffice it to say, this is the completely opposite of what I\'m normally comfortable with.

Reading you peoples post however made me really think highly of basically everyone of you, supporting each other and at the same time avoiding to be overly positive about everything and instead staying sceptical, not falling for confirmation bias in terms of procedures/surgery in wanting to find positive indicators for everything, and thus I dared taking the step of opening up, for essentially the first time in my life.

Anyway, first of all, I\'m no longer a vegetable. I would consider myself mildly depressed, but I am no longer just lying around in bed trying to sleep hoping to wake up from this nightmare, which I guess is, ehrm, somewhat of a progress I\'d say.

Actually opening up for the first time to a friend was also a good decision..it was probably the hardest thing I\'ve ever done (I gave him the link to this thread and just walked off the computer..heartbeat rushed but it was definitely the right move), and he, as I hoped he would, couldn\'t have handled it better.

I also only later realized that should I ever had gone really off the deep end, I would have no safety mechanism whatsoever to make me realize this (if you turn delusional..well, then you are delusional and won\'t realize it), so having a safety net in somebody really knowing me, and considering I\'m usually a very, very rational person I\'m sure he would have noticed if I turned for the worse (the only way he wouldn\'t is of course if I had just stopped the correspondence but then that in itself would have been one big fat alarm clock).

The worst time of the day is, by far, the mornings. I\'ve basically had consistent nightmares relating to penis size and general inadequatness, making me waking up with severe anxiety.

As each day progresses, however, the anxiety goes down by a lot, which is positive. I definitely do constantly swing between utter despair and a feeling of giving up hope, and resolve. Fortunately, I seem to spend slightly less time each day despairing.

I\'ve actually found that a part of this stigma is basically the consensus in the general public that there\'s really no way of increasing penis size, at least this is the consensus in the european country I live in, and this kind of indoctrination has been giving me a hard time giving up on this idea and that this actually isn\'t necessarily true at all. Had I found Thunders place some 5 years ago things could have been very much different, but at that time, since I never really got emotionally invested in any girls I was with, it just never triggered me into the state that I am in now, and thus I didn\'t research anything at all.

Now I know there are no guaranteed gains and that everyone are different in how easy they gain, I would say it would be quite wrong to dismiss Hanging, stretching, Jelqing etc as bogus, it just doesn\'t make sense, key part of this being that the information is for free as well. This has given me quite some resolve and I\'m now almost two weeks into the whole newbie routine.

Messagemen, thanks for the confidence-inducing words, and as it happens what you suggested is essentially what I have done. I\'m at this point 99% sure that eventually, I will do something like PMMA/whatever comes next to sort out Girth..as I said I\'m at 4.13 now (and while I don\'t hold too much hope in terms of gaining Girth through manual exercices, it\'s still possible for some it seems), an endgame for me would be something like 5.3 (or even 5.5 if theres any possibility at all of this, I guess it will depend a lot on whether I can gain some length through manual exercices to stay reasonably well-dimensioned)

As it is now it seems I have already \"gained\" a little bit in length, but this is almost certainly due to an increased EQ (or some other kind of newbie gain), but I seem to be able to BPED myself to 5.9\", and while this is easily within margin for just manual measurement mistakes, if it works as a placebo to get me motivated it\'s good right!)

This friend of mine I spoke to is also very, very well read up on weight-lifting, and even before this debacle he was determined to help me start weight-lifting and has been working on a program for me, I intend to start out with this come next monday, which should also help with endorphines and to battle those episodes of feeling worthless/despairing. It feels really strange since for all my life I\'ve always been the guy giving others support, and now for basically the first time I am in dire need of help, and it takes time to come to grip with this...as I assume is true for most of you, what you do NOT wan\'t is the belittling sort of empaty, people feeling WITH you is okay, but FOR you, at least I, get even more depressed.

Like nomad1 said, I do not want pity.

Thus, I am now resolved to do whatever possible to remedy this situation..as I said there is no way in hell I\'m going to be able to \"learn to live\" with my condition, that just does not work for me. I will eventually have to do something in the way of PMMA, but I am NOT going to rush it.

Thus, my plan currently is to continue with this \"newbie routine\" until late january (or until the manual stretching does no longer give me that somewhat dull soreness of feeling the ligs stretched that I\'ve been able to get with a 2 days/1 off routine), and then move into Hanging just like messageman suggested.

I plan to give this until new years next year...if I\'ve had any reasonable gains (a lil bit more than 1\" or so in length from my starting point would be great, a goal of 7\" BPED would be completely great) then the plan is to get to work on the Girth...at this point of course this means PMMA but we\'ll see what develops this coming year.

This put together with weight-training to get really, really fit and hopefully get rid of all of that pesky fatpad, and I have my work set out for me. I will not just give up at this point since it would mean living the rest of my life somewhat depressed, and this I refuse.

2012 will not be a fun year by any means and I doub\'t there will be much happiness, but I am completely determined to do everything in my power to get where I want...if that means a year of hard work and no play, so be it. With unlimited time and privacy and having no real considerations to consider (family, children, work) I just cannot see how I should fail in at least attempting to do whatever I can.

So, where do I wan\'t to be in say something like 18 months? Well, physically fit first of all. Penis size wise, I guess my endgame as noted above is 7\" BPED/5.5\" EG..seems rather doubtful I\'d be able to get that much Girth but if in any way possible (provided my lengthening routines work out), that would get my 100% happy, I\'d settle for 5.3 as well I\'m sure. Of course I wouldn\'t \"stop\" there since, well, nobody does it seems heh, but if I never gained anything above that I would be forever happy anyway and penis size would basically not have to enter my mind much again.

newbie415 and nomad1: I\'ll be writing you privately, thanks a whole bunch for explaining your stories, and it seems I can definitely relate to newbie given that story, it sounds very very much like myself. Just two days ago I ended up with a friend and two girls at our own private little afterparty...fortunately my friend fell asleep rather and it was his place which gave me a reason to leave, I\'m 100% sure I could easily have slept with one of them girls (I mean they followed us home) but I could literally not think about anything else than inadequatness..so fkin tragic

Anyway, sorry for these long posts of mine, I hope I divided them reasonably so it\'s not impossible to read (and once again, English is not my mother tongue), but they work therapeuticaly for me now that I\'ve unleashed my inner feelings for once. Any ideas, thoughts feelings etc are of course as always welcome, here or in private.

Thanks a bunch everyone not yet mentioned too, and I\'ll be around..if you ever see me on the chat don\'t hesitate to write, as well know we don\'t have many to speak to about these issues.

Best regards,

fedup

OK. I read a little. I have to attend to some other matters and will return for a full read. However, I only had to read the first three or four paragraphs to know that a direct conversation with me will likely be very helpful to you. I understand and empathize with your situation. However, as I read I noticed you are making some mistakes both in your execution (of your daily life) and assumptions. I had numerous thoughts of things that might help you on various levels. I will invest a little time with you if you want to. You have too many gifts to let this take this much control of your life. Yes, there are procedures that can help. But, I would want to see you make a variety of changes in your life and mental process before making a decision under extreme mental duress. I feel for you bud. I do not pity you...I understand how much pain you must be in. If you need to talk send me a PM. I will not publicly detail my financial situation, but suffice it to say we are very similar on many levels.
Nomad1

@fedupWhat\'s up man, welcome to the forum. First of all, I have to say kudos to you for opening up and sharing your story. For the most part the members here are comforting you in what your story brings before they suggest anything to you. So I hope you feel the love in that sense.
Wow, I have to say we have quite a few similarities. I\'m 27 although I\'m not in the well income like you yet, I\'m always out in the scene with the hot girls out there. When a girl first meets me they are interested because of my looks and get caught up because of personality (I joke around a lot and make them smile but at the same time they say I\'m so down to earth). When I was younger and I would say younger meaning anything before 22 I would do whatever with them because even though I cared I was below average to me it was whatever I was having fun. At 22, I got involved with a girl that I ended up loving etc etc. I was heartbroken after about a year of being together when she distanced herself and we ending up splitting apart. From then on I went to straight party wasted mode, drinking myself into comas lol. I was depressed and obviously it was over the break-up but it was also because I felt a certain way about my size. At that time it didn\'t dominate my mind but it was there. Well with all my drunken nights I always had the excuse I had whiskey Dick from drinking so much and would let girls go that way until one night I was drunk enough not to keep away from showing myself (let me tell you when I have whiskey it looks like a baby\'s wee wee) to this girl that some of my boys have had sex and got bjs from and forget it she told people how small I was and it killed me inside but I joked it off with my boys about it being whiskey and they could relate but one of them told me she said \"no I seen your whiskey it was fine, his was really small\". I was like oh shit! Ever since then I could get the baddest girl come my way and I entertain it, but wouldn\'t go past a certain point and just give them the cold shoulder and move on. I\'ve wrote on other posts that one of my best friends is a singer in a European Country and has groupies galore and is rushing me to get there already. I even have girls from that country reaching me on facebook and a lot are like when are you coming here. I\'ve been stalling for the life of me trying to figure away to gain. So in sense of not having a problem with getting the girls, I\'m with you on that. Now as far as depression I\'m with you on that as well. In the last I would say 4 months, I almost all the time I think about how small I am and how I gotta make something happen because I love girls and this is starting to me when I know I can have a lot of the ones I want and I push them away. I could also be living the rockstar life with my best friend in Europe but I\'m here instead afraid of the embarrassment. But I always think of how lucky some other guys are and why I couldn\'t just be blessed since there\'s no clear cut way to enhance yourself like let\'s say a woman with small breast can. Shit they can also tighten up their vagina.
Now I am what I see as 4.3 Erect length as far as using during sex. I see people measure in other ways so from the penis ending at the pubic area I\'m above 5 inches and I\'m assuming bone pressed would be a little more. My Erect Girth is exactly 5 inches and I guess with just enough length and good part of the average of Girth I\'ve been able to make girls get off and cum etc etc in my life but in my mind I know a girl doesn\'t get excited by that length and in the back of their mind would like a lil more. And size matters as far as excitement. Some girls don\'t like huge because it hurts, but a lot of girls regardless love the excitement of a big Dick even if a smaller one may feel better. I know I\'m never going to be huge so it\'s whatever. I would be fine with a gain of 1.7 inches in length which would be exactly 6 inches of usable penis. That\'s how I look at my length. Sorry to other who like to measure other ways. Now well I stop there if I got there no I would keep going but I know in my mind I would be just fine with that. Now after attaining that I would love to go from 5 in to 6in and beyond (meaning maybe 7) in Girth. So my goals are 6 inches plus in Erect length to 6 inches plus in Girth. I have a slight turkey neck that I want to correct so as far as surgery that will be one and like you are doing in a year I will see if PMMA is still looking good, I will go with it. In that year of waiting I\'m going to go the weight Hanging route and maybe stretch also. If things are a little slow maybe I\'ll get a lig cut to speed it up a tad bit. Lig cuts are hit or miss for people but for the hit it\'s usually an average of .5 to 1 Inch in Erect gains. So in my state of mind I don\'t mind taking the plunge, but I would go the safe route and from what I see that\'s Gary Alter.
So anyways the purpose of my posts was to show someone similar to you. Could get the girls but has confidence issues in the size department that has overtaken our mind to the point you could be conversing with someone and it\'s still on your mind. Trust me I know! So we gotta do something about it. I\'ve done research and you should do the same and figure out the best route for you. Me to begin with I\'m going with weight Hanging. Funds are a little low right now with a lot of bills so I can\'t get a Hanger right this instance but if you go that route maybe when I get mine we can share our journey together if you would like that. As far as Girth, I never tried or seen enough data in the natural exercises to be confident that way, but it wouldn\'t hurt to try if you figure out how to do it safely. In my mind I\'m just seeing how all these PMMA journeys go years down the line and if it\'s looking good then I will go that route after Hanging and possibly stretching.
Anyways, I hope this post helped you see that others are out there in the struggle to get more confident in the area you\'re going for.
As far as the fat-pad if it doesn\'t get better with exercise then you should definitely look into the lipo for it. The visual helps with the excitement factor for girls, so that will help on top of getting hard gains.
Good luck man and feel free to hit me up whenever.

FedupWow..I feel for you friend. You're only 27yrs old, and I really believe that if you put in the time and effort, you can increase the size of your penis to a size that you can be proud of. Lose that fat padConsult this site (PhalloBoards) and Thunders.com for tips on lengthening your penis through stretching and Hanging weights.Check out PMMAYou sound like an intelligent and successful guy'With such attributes, I bet you are also a decent problem solver. Think of this as a problem that needs to be fixed and devise a plan of action and rough timeline. You are not alone'You have a lot of brothers here at the site' MessagemanOne last thing'I\'m with Skeptical and his suggestion about perhaps seeking out professional help for possible depression'.Whatever the causes are, a professional could help you navigate these negative emotions better'Just some thoughts mate'

Hi guys,

First of all thanks for the replies. Anyway, as for the girl, yes she definitely was the trigger for this whole ordeal, and it was in fact I that killed it all off, perhaps for no good reason at all, perhaps of my paranoia and/or own insecurities. Either way, yes it hurt immensly and still does, although now most of the pain is instead directed into my own feelings of being inadequate.

As I described I really do not have one single problem aside from this, and I guess this has basically turned me into a sort of pseudo-man-with-a-hammer; to a man having a small penis everything looks like a to big hole, or something like that. As S.O. said, I perhaps have no real reason to believe penis size was ever much part of the problem in the relationship..if there ever was a problem that is. Given I killed it off I\'m very well aware that it\'s entirely possibly I created the problem instead and killed it all off just because of me.

Even so, I have a tendency to be a huge perfectionist in everything pertaining to myself and what I do..and my small penis just does not fit in whatsoever in my own mental image. I have this idea she basically saw me as prince charming (as I said, she fell instantly)..except for that one thing she couldn\'t see from the start, and now everything even reminiscent of my old, strong self-confidence is blown away.

It\'s killing me because I literally have nothing else to think about, I don\'t have any other obligations so being able to do nothing, having no work to take care off etc is really a huge negative for me here it seems.

I did actually open up to an internet friend yesterday, only met once but we\'ve spoken on a daily basis and had lots of business together and I\'ve always felt I\'ve been able to be very open with him...at least it felt slightly comforting to be able to tak about it and not keep it all in. It was most likely the most scary decision I\'ve ever done though, I cannot even describe how much shame I felt opening up like that, but in the end I think it was a positive at least. He has all the details as for the correspondence with the girl as well from before and is basically convinced I\'m out of my mind for thinking this was penis related, but as I\'ve already basically decided on this worst of scenarios being true I don\'t think I\'ll be able to change my mind in regards to that.

S.O., I\'m basically convinced it wasn\'t politics/religion/family/cultural or personality mismatch..we basically fit perfect in that sense, and for as insecure and having as low self-esteem as I have now, I wouldn\'t say that lightly. What I did do wrong early on was however not to show her much feelings at all..I basically gamed her, she wanted me from the start and just drowned me in compliments about how good, nice, fantastic etc I was, and I (in retrospect) stupidly didn\'t give much back, always had her contact me first, never called etc and there\'s a really good chance she felt rejected from this, she wanted to get serious and I was all \"we\'ll take it as it comes, let\'s have fun and see where it takes us\".

Only at the end (heh, last day on which evening I then decided to it off..) did I really express my feelings, and at that point she basically said that for the last week or so she had basically given up on the thoughts of anything serious for the last week due to me seeming so uninterested in that from the start. I know reading all of this probably makes you think I\'m borderline retarded for assuming it has to do with penis size and were I any less inclined to always think of worst case scenario I\'d agree, as it is now it\'s already way past that and regardless of how it actually was my only real concern now is for my own physical inadequatness. I do have a very serious confirmation bias in trying to always confirm that the worst case scenario I can come up with for me is the one most likely...life of a perfectionist.

Also, New1inch, yeah I do have that pesky fatpad, but before I\'m going to do any lipo suction my plan is to start out with a serious weight-lifting regime..getting my body fat % down some percentage (as I said I don\'t really even look overweight with clothes on so I\'m more of a skinny-fat guy that\'s soft everywhere) will most likely help with that in time. Having unlimited time gives me no reason not to do this at this point.

Now, for some questions...as in regards to manuel PE and/or stretching/Hanging..as it is now I doub\'t I will be doing any PMMA in the near future..perhaps more likely late next year (this way I\'ll also know more of results from all of you guys, and if any complications arise for anyone), but I\'d really like to stretch out my penis before that, gaining something like an Inch in length would be supergood before attempting the Girth thing.

Even though Girth is really my main issue I feel if I\'m not really going to do anything about that for quite some time because of just generally being scared, I could try to aim for a stretching/Hanging routine until then and hopefully gain something..I mean if I could get an Inch both in length and Girth in 1.5 years time combined with having weight-lifted all during that I\'d basically be the happiest man on earth the way it feels now, with not a worry in the world. I will repeat, weight is not really a problem for me at all, I get girls regardless, it\'s more of a way to activate myself, and of course building muscle is never wrong, as well as removing the ol\' fatpaddy.

So, if you have any suggestions for anything in the lines of elongating my penis a bit (1\" or so would be splendid) over the next year I\'d be all ears...I will eventually do something about the Girth (and from what I\'ve read over at thunders, getting Girth from manual PE/basically anything seems really sketchy, some seems to be getting results in that department too but length seems to be MUCH more reliable result-wise), this I just know simply because well, as stated numerous times...it\'s the only thing I have on my brain right now. I\'ve thought about doing that whole newbie routine with Jelqing, manual stretching etc, but from what I\'ve read of most guys the real results really comes from using a Hanger or an ADS (I know these are more dangerous but trust me, I will more likely under-hang/under-stretch than anything else because of my fear of doing any kind of permanent damage tomyself). Any take on this?

Big congratulations on going from 3.5 to 4.5 btw S.O., that is such a huge improvement and it brings me hope.

New1inch, did you also do the PMMA-procedure or are you on the fence?

Sorry for the long posts of mine, this just works as somewhat of a therapy session for me too.

/Fedup

Welcome fedup,
Firstly, I admire your courage to muster up so many inner thoughts & feelings and convey them into writing. Even with anonymity, we\'re still expressing a lot when we share these kinds of things.
Secondly, You are certainly adequate in the length department, and you\'ll come to learn the more and more you read that 5.5\"-6.5\" range could satisfy the majority of healthy & normal women out there. Hell, if a capable lover, even penises shorter than that range could perform adequately.
Thirdly, your Girth is arguably on the side of under-average, but not tiny. I started with a 3.5\" mid-shaft Girth so you can imagine how thin my world was. I can relate to the sense of inadequacy, and I do have some words to share with you:
Please keep in mind that if your girlfriend never told you size was the issue, you should never assume that was the case. As oversexed as our societies have become, I just don\'t think the majority of healthy, sane & normal women put such a huge emphasis on sheer size (especially since majority of guys are well... average). Even if she did tell you it was a size-issue, write her off as a size-queen and move on.
Women move on for any number reasons - sometimes women are just as weary of men who are good-looking & financially successful, since after all those men are capable of drawing more women. She could have felt threatened by that. OR there could have been other aspects of you (political & religious beliefs, your family & cultural background, or even personality mismatches) that she didn\'t realize were a problem until the relationship evolved. You simply cannot put it all on your size, and you are not being fair to yourself for having done so.
Now, if your Girth stands at a 4.1\" and you genuinely believe that breaking 5\" around would do wonders for your personal life - then by all means keep reading and researching the PMMA route and see if that\'s for you - since it seems like that\'s where you are leaning. You clearly have the funds, and 1 Inch is very attainable. Are there risks in the long run? Sure, but you have to put them into perspective. I told myself that my 3.5\" MSEG was just as dehibilitating in my pursuit of women as a penis with complications, and this is how I was able to accept the risks involved. You must do the same within your own frame of mind.
Lastly, your bouts with depression in this matter are not healthy and you certainly may also want to look into speaking with a healthcare/psychological professional in this matter. It could prove useful & helpful.
I hope some of my thoughts may help you regain focus of the bigger picture...feel free to PM anytime and good luck!

-S.O.

Hello fedup.. And welcome to the site. I think it was brave of you to put your story out there.. that slump your going through i beleive could be a little sadness from the break up.. And as you stated this was one of your first REAL relationships. And the way your feeling now and not wanting to eat or anything is all symptoms of how someone behave after a breakup. I couldnt eat at all the first few weeks after me and my girl broke up. As far as the penis go I would say do a lot of research because nothing is set in stone and PMMA is pretty new so no one knows the long term effect.
In your measurements i saw that your BPEL was much longer than your normal EL. You say that you have a big fat pad. I think you should look into the option of getting lipo in your fat pad. The less fat thats there, the more of the penis would be exposed Making the penis appear much longer. Hope I was a help to you. And again welcome to the site.

Hi Nomad,

As always thank you for replying.

I\'m really sorry if I came accross as trying to sound all-knowing; that was never my intention, I was merely trying to explain why my mentality of being basically perfectionist and hitherto being able to conquer essentially all my problems/any obstacles would make me a bad candidate for therapy since I\'ve never ever in my life accepted defeat, not saying it will not work, I have no insight at all into psychology, just voiced my skepticism based on my own feelings, not knowledge or facts.

Anyway, you are entirely correct that I try to control everything..it\'s basically the way I\'ve lived my life, and up until this problem, it\'s actually worked, I\'ve been able to conquer all my problems and obstacles...and now I face something I\'m essentially close to powerless against..and that\'s what\'s really killing me. I just CANNOT do much about it, so yes, you are right, it\'s in-built that I try to control and solve every problem...simply because it has worked previously.

I was doing better, but now yesterday I suffered what I believe to be some kind of stretching/jelking-related injury, and it\'s freaking me out basically (link).
Because of this my mood fell rapidly and once again therapy seems to be on the board, and I might see a Urologist for this issue..as I write in the thread it\'s not causing me pain (so far), but just the mere fact that it\'s that much changed compared to before is scary enough.

So, cognitive behaviour therapy and Urologist seems to be on my list now.

Until next time,

Fedup